PDM Chapter 1

 

It was the first time in my life I had ever seen a man cry so sorrowfully. Kneeling with his back to the sun, his hand placed over his heart, he cried, gritting his teeth as if nobility meant nothing to him. He swallowed his sobs, disregarding any dignity. Anyone watching might have mistaken him for the chief mourner, as he mourned the deceased more deeply than anyone.

To a detached observer, his display at a friend's funeral might seem excessive. However, there was a justified reason for his grief—his friend had died protecting him during the war.

His contorted face, disheveled appearance, and the radiant black hair shining in the sunlight... As tears streamed from his bloodshot eyes, soaking the grass, I realized something. I had witnessed something I should never have seen.

Ah, I knew at that moment that I would be bound to this man for the rest of my life.

The emotions I felt for the first time weren’t fleeting but eternal.

Even if his heart belonged to someone else.

To cling to and endure hopeless feelings is an act of cruelty toward oneself. Foolishly, I was utterly cruel to myself. Taking care of myself came second; thinking of him was always my priority.

I longed for love—craved it endlessly. I lived in the hope that one day, his affection would turn toward me, blind to how pointless it all was.

Looking back, I was truly foolish. Should I have continued this love even at the cost of losing myself? If my persistence stemmed from ignorance and delusion, it carried a heavy burden of responsibility.

Kyle Hereis. The man I married, the hero of the war. A man who, at a young age, raised his once title-only family to become one of the empire’s most distinguished.

I still couldn’t forget the day I first met Kyle two years ago. Even now.

Like a vision.

“Ael.”

Kyle’s quiet call finally pulled me from that vision. I hadn’t realized it, but I had been crying.

Without thinking, I glanced down at his hand and wiped the tears that had fallen onto the back of my hand onto my clothes. I did this because I didn’t want him to touch me.

When I turned my face away from Kyle’s outstretched hand, it faltered in midair, lost.

How absurd. I had clung to the false hope born from your fickle kindness.

"Your Excellency."

The formal title that distanced us slipped from my lips, and Kyle’s eyes widened in surprise. For a brief moment, his gray eyes flickered with emotion before he clenched his fists, his face twisting. The emotion reflected in his eyes, oddly enough, was guilt.

Why? Now that I had finally accepted my situation and was ready to move forward with my life. With detached eyes, I met his gaze, filled with shallow pretense.

“Ael, that day—”

“Don’t explain.”

“…”

“I’m not curious.”

For once, Kyle, who always maintained his composure, had a broken expression. It was strange to see that even he could be shaken because of me. Though I no longer harbored any lingering feelings, a part of me found it satisfying.

Yet at the same time, I couldn’t help but let out a hollow laugh as a fleeting sorrow crossed his eyes.

After pushing me away all this time, what could possibly make you so sad? I glared at him with cold, sharp eyes, scornful of his hypocritical behavior.

“Don’t misunderstand, Your Excellency.”

“Ael.”

“I’m not crying because of you or the child.”

“…”

“I’m crying because I pity my foolish self from the past.”

So, please...

‘Please marry me, Your Excellency.’

“Please divorce me, Your Excellency.”

I have no regrets anymore.

 

***

 

“Please marry me, Your Excellency.”

“Marry?”

Kyle raised one eyebrow in confusion. I clasped my hands together, hoping the trembling in my fingers would subside. I thought all I had to do was say the words I had carefully prepared, but now that I stood before him, my voice shook, and I couldn’t speak properly. Lowering my gaze, I avoided Kyle’s piercing eyes.

“Yes, please marry me, Your Excellency.”

His sharp eyes swept over me coldly, as if he were trying to discern my intentions behind such a proposal. How much time passed? He eventually looked away, as if he had lost interest. No, to be precise, his eyes reflected disinterest.

Of course. He probably had countless marriage proposals from various noble families.

The Duke of Hereis. Not long ago, he had led the empire to victory in a war by decapitating the enemy commander and presenting his head to the emperor. He gained immense wealth and power from this, naturally attracting attention.

On top of that, with his striking appearance, he was a man everyone desired. His jet-black hair and gray eyes resembled the early morning clouds, and his eyes, which sparkled like jewels, only revealed their colors when something of interest caught his attention.

Kyle took a shallow breath and turned his face away. His expression was not only indifferent but also cold, which made the rumors of him tearing apart enemy soldiers’ bones seem plausible.

As his eyelids lowered, his pale eyelashes cast shadows over his eyes, which darkened ominously. His gray eyes grew murkier, and a slight frown formed between his brows, a sign of displeasure and rejection.

I understood his reaction. After all, I was merely the daughter of a lowly baron who had suddenly appeared before him—Ael Carena of the insignificant Baron Carena family, whose financial state was precarious, and whose name was barely known in the political world.

My father, Baron Carena, was a man consumed by gambling and alcohol, and my only brother had severed ties with the family. In short, my position was worse than that of a minor rural noble.

I was sure he had never even heard my name before today. In fact, I only ended up here because the owner of the flower shop I frequented had mentioned delivering flowers to the Hereis household, and I offered to deliver them myself.

The florist had grumbled about how picky the duke was, insisting on inspecting the flowers personally, but for me, it was the only chance to meet him.

So, it was no wonder he found it absurd when a woman delivering flowers suddenly introduced herself and asked for a private conversation. Though my actions were rude enough to warrant a death sentence, he had initially listened to me with mild curiosity. Of course, that curiosity soon faded, like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

Kyle stood gracefully, without a hint of reluctance. His expression showed he was clearly bored.

“Lady Ael Carena. I have no intention of marrying anyone.”

He punctuated his words, signaling that he had no interest in continuing the conversation.

“Ever.”

When our eyes met, his gaze was as indifferent as if he were looking at an insect. The dampness of my sweaty palms felt heavy as I wiped them on my clothes.

Kyle’s gaze left me, and he began walking toward the door of the reception room. Just then, I finally spoke the words I had prepared.

“Is it because you’re in love with Countess Hari Harden, the wife of the late Louis Harden?”

His steps halted immediately. I had no sense of how long the silence that followed would last. Fear surged through me, but I straightened my posture, keeping my composure.

The road I had to walk was much longer than this moment. There was no other way for someone as insignificant as me to remain by his side.

“…”

Kyle slowly turned back and tilted his head slightly, his lips curling into a bitter smile as if mocking my audacity. His imposing presence made it hard for me to breathe.

“You’ve crossed a line with your reckless words.”

“…”

“Let me make something clear.”

“…”

“I have nothing to lose, so I have nothing to fear.”

“No, Your Excellency, you do have something to lose, and you are afraid.”

His brow furrowed in displeasure. It was clear that someone of unknown status and family had the nerve to speak as if they understood him, and it offended him.

It was the reaction I had expected. I clenched my clasped hands tighter.

“You’re afraid that Countess Harden will discover your feelings for her and turn away from you.”

Kyle narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw. It felt like he might strike me down at any moment.

“What makes you so certain that I love her?”

Because I saw it. My eyes, which never left you for even a moment, saw it in the way your tearful gaze lingered on her and in the hand that hovered above her shoulder but never touched her.

While you only had eyes for her, I only had eyes for you.

Besides, it was well known that she had been a long-time friend of both Louis and Kyle. The rumors that the Hereis family and the Harden family had once discussed an engagement were also widely known, so it wasn’t just me who could infer his feelings—others could, too.

“They say it’s impossible to hide love.”

“For someone seeking a deal, you speak rather romantically.”

Kyle returned to his seat and sat across from me. It meant he was willing to listen.

“If rumors spread about you and the countess, who do you think would be most affected?”

Even if he had spent much of his time on the battlefield and was detached from the social world, he would know.

If rumors of an improper relationship between the unmarried duke and the widow of a war hero spread, it would destroy her reputation. The noble society, known for its love of gossip, would undoubtedly label her as having had an affair before marriage, and she would be forced to live alone, isolated and scorned.

Kyle ran a hand through his hair roughly, his gray eyes glinting coldly.

“That doesn’t mean I have to marry you. It wouldn’t matter who I married.”

“Are you so sure the other party would feel the same?”

Kyle was at a loss for words, his mouth firmly shut as if struck by an unexpected blow. While it might not matter to him who he married, the woman destined to become his duchess would not share the same indifference.

What could be more tragic and filled with betrayal than marrying someone who harbored feelings for another?

And if that someone was Countess Harden, it could put her in danger as well. Taking a deep breath, I relaxed my tense face.

"Your Excellency, I have nowhere to go."

Kyle’s cold eyes briefly glanced down at the floor before shooting back up to meet mine. He gestured with his chin, a sign for me to continue. His expression read: Let’s hear what you’ve got.

"I have no refuge, no sanctuary to return to."

"What do you mean?"

"My brother has severed ties with me, and my father is blinded by his addiction to gambling. There's nothing left in our family. Soon, they’ll sell me off to the highest bidder if the price is right."

"Get to the point."

I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the words I was about to say.

"Be my escape. I will help you keep your heart hidden."

I’ll be your shadow. As I added those words, his murky gaze swept over me as if he could swallow me whole. Then, he twisted his lips into a mocking smile.

"I see."

"…"

"For a moment, I thought you might actually love me."

Though his tone was sarcastic, the words hit closer to the truth than I expected.

Even though he hadn’t exposed my real feelings, my heart pounded with the fear that he had. Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet his. I needed to press forward with what I had planned to say.

"At your age, I’m sure the pressure to marry is intense."

"…"

"The Countess chose to remain with the Harden family instead of remarrying, and I will keep silent."

"…"

"It’s not such a bad offer."

My proposal meant that I wouldn’t expect him to fulfill his duties as a husband. It was freedom disguised as a marriage. He seemed to finish his thoughts, his voice tinged with boredom as he spoke.

"So, all you're asking for is a safe haven?"

Blinking in surprise, I hesitated. Was it not enough to seek safety and shelter through marriage with Kyle?

I bit my lip, nearly at a loss, but then a sharp thought struck me, pulling me out of the moment.

"No, there’s one more thing. My father won’t easily let go of me, as I’m still the head of the family. If you offer financial support, he’ll release me without issue."

Luckily, I had come up with something. Demanding something material might make him less suspicious than if I had asked for nothing at all.

Kyle covered his mouth with one hand, studying me carefully. His gaze was so sharp it sent a shiver through my fingertips, and my eyes wavered under the weight of his scrutiny. It felt like he was trying to discern exactly what kind of person I was.

Time passed slowly before he finally looked away, releasing a small, hollow laugh through his fingers. His expression made it clear he found the situation ridiculous.

"I expected something more interesting, but it’s all quite cliché."

"…"

"Wherever you heard these rumors, you should be careful."

"…"

"If I ever hear another scandal involving my name, I’ll assume you’re the source."

So, this is how it ends. I knew it wouldn’t work. I bit my lip harder and pressed the back of my hand firmly into my palm, an action born from self-reproach.

Kyle’s disinterested gaze slid over me, his cool eyebrows arching slightly. His face showed how tiresome he found this conversation.

"Am I wrong?"

"…"

"If it’s gossip, people will listen to even a dog’s barking."

His flat tone pierced my heart like a dagger. I lowered my eyes to the floor, feeling that this might be the last time I’d ever see him, yet unable to bear looking at his cold, unfeeling face.

"I’ll be leaving now."

His curt words made me summon the courage to look up. As Kyle lifted his eyelids, his gray eyes—cold and piercing—reflected me, standing there with eyes wide open, struggling not to cry.

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